Saturday, August 06, 2005

Can't sleep, sore wrists, (caution long pregnancy confessional)

So I have been one of the lucky pregnant women to develop pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome.
I have to say I would not wish it upon my worst enemy! It hurts like hell, and yes I mean hell because there is a fire that is burning in the depths of my wrists that cannot be compared to anything other than hell! Not to mention the excruciating pain that radiates to my finger tips and the numbness that accompanies it.

I confess, I am 30 years old and I cannot open a jar of spaghetti sauce without assistance! I wake up in tears in the middle of the night because the thought of having to plant my hands on the beds edge to hoist up my huge belly to make the umteenth trip to the bathroom scares the crap out of me. The impending pain is then inevitable.

I confess I am a whinny pregnant woman.

I feel sorry for my boyfriend and my friends and my family who have had to be subjected to the pregnant me. I apologize in advance if I get worse in the initial post partum period, and I am so sorry to those of you who will be present through out my labour. I hope to one day return to normal and be somewhat sane again.

I confess I am not a nice pregnant woman.

I am appalled by the things that come out of my mouth, I mean I have never been one to use my verbal filter very efficiently (I was always told when I was little "if it's on your mind say it, no sense keeping in bottled up"), but even I am shocked by what comes out of my hormonal mouth. If there is one thing that is for sure, I know that Chris loves me, he must in order to put up with the hell that I have put him through in the past few months. I have never felt so guilty in my life for treating someone I love so much, so poorly. I am sorry, you do not deserve this abuse.

I confess I am a mean pregnant woman.

I wonder how much of it all is nerves?
I mean I am educated about pregnancy, labour and delivery and the initial post partum period. I have armed myself with the knowledge necessary to alleviate any irrational concerns or fears. I am prepared for this baby, we have everything needed for the arrival of this newborn, carseat, diapers, wipes, clothes, linens, hygiene products a place to sleep and of course lots of love. But then what if!

What if... My labour doesn't go as I want (natural no drugs at all with minimal medical intervention).
What if... Chris is at work and can't get home for 4 or 5 hours?
What if... My midwife is on vacation and the backup midwife is doing a delivery?
What if... I need a c-section?
What if, what if, what if?

I have always been extremely prepared for everything I do, blame it on me being a Taurus, or me being totally Type A, or maybe it's because I was a Girl Guide as a kid, but being prepared for every scenario makes me feel comfortable. Call it my bubble. Maybe it is the control freak in me (yes I admit it, I am a control freak... I know... Shocking as that may sound!) Maybe my nerves come from the fact that I have no control over this. No control over when, or where, or how long. No control over who will be there or who will not. No control over anything other than the fact that it is inevitable. I am not scare of it, labour that is, I know it is going to happen, but I am nervous because of all the what ifs.

I guess this makes me human.

Enough confessional for the moment.

We went to the Tillaart Annual Family Reunion at Grenville Park in Prescott this past weekend. The weather was great it was a blast as usual. The highlight this year was the fact that the family threw Chris and I a surprise baby shower. We got spoiled! It was very appreciated but very unnecessary. I would post pictures of the gifts but there was so many that I need a panoramic camera to get them all in. Lets just say asides from the toys and high chair and books and baby trinkets there was a full washer load of clothes, a full load of receiving blankets and a double washer full of blankets. It is safe to say that this child will never be cold. Thank you all, very much.

I would type more but I have lost feeling in my left fingers and the typos are starting to drive me nuts.

Thanks for reading/listening, I feel a bit better.


Karen said...

I know, being the mother of one, (Taurus and pregnant) that to tell you not to worry and that everything will go as it should, is a waste of breath. My mother once told me that you will always remember it hurt but in time you will never be able to truly describe the pain because the impending joy will erase it from your memory, to be replaced with first smiles and first words and first steps.... The worries about what might go wrong, well my friend, get used to that... ask your own mother... just know that you are loved and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a rainbow

Leanne said...

Thanks Karen, as alsways you make me feel better.